Instead of a match report this week, we have a short questionnaire with which you can establish which kind of Dazzler you are. Simply go through selecting A, B or C to each question and make a note of your answers.
1. How do you find this week’s venue?
a. Wandsworth Common, John Archer Way, like it says in the fixture list and as highlighted in the roster emails sent pre-game
b. Go to Wandsworth. It’s only little, isn’t it? Surely there’s only one pitch in Wandsworth!
c. Flick to a random page of the A-Z, shut your eyes and stick in a pin
2. Are changing rooms provided?
a. No
b. No, but there is sufficient bush around the pitch to sneak off and get changed without anyone seeing
c. Yes, nature’s bountiful goodness provides not only cover for changing, but also various large, soft leaves that don’t appear to cause any adverse reaction on potentially sensitive parts of the body when answering nature’s call
3. Do you question the umpires’ calls?
a. No, it only winds them up for any close calls later
b. No, they had a pretty solid game
c. Yes, because they have form and we don’t trust them
4. When leading off the batting, what is the best thing to do?
a. Chip it over the infield for a smooth double
b. Get on base one time, then ground out or hole out at every available opportunity thereafter
c. Don’t swing, just watch the strikes go by
5. When throwing to first base, try to:
a. Get it in her glove
b. Bean it over her head
c. Bisect first base and home plate
6. When ground fielding in the outfield, stop the ball with:
a. Your glove
b. Your shin
c. The gap between your legs
7. How is it best for the team to get the runs?
a. Evenly, 2 or 3 each innings, maybe more
b. Get very few in the first 6 innings, then pile them on in the 7th to create most tension
c. Drink too much coffee in the afternoon and need to take option 2c above
8. Having established a three run lead in the top of the 7th, should we:
a. Shut them out and win the game
b. Let them score three runs, especially if we can misfield to let them get two of them with two outs
c. Crowd in when the bases are loaded and let them hit a home run over our heads
9. What is the best margin of victory?
a. Mercy rule enforced after 4 innings
b. One run, obviously. How else do you keep people interested?
c. Victory? We do who with the what now?
10. What was the final score?
a. Dazzlers 10 – 7 Mob
b. Dazzlers 12 – 11 Mob
c. Dazzlers 17 – 17 Mob
Mostly As: Aspirational Dazzler You are the Dazzler everyone wants to be. You’re the man. People see you strutting your stuff on the field and they think, “Wow, who’s that guy?!”. They see you there in your sexy red socks and tight top. Unbelievably they may even look past the rugged Sicilian charms of our patriarchal pitcher and think that YOU are the guy they want to squeeze their lemons. But you don’t exist. Are you sure you didn’t lie to a few of those? Hmm? I’d like to believe you, really I would. But I don’t.
Mostly Bs: Actual Dazzler That’s right. You were there on Tuesday and know the answers, or you think like a Dazzler naturally. Either way you are obviously a Dazzler. Or married to a Dazzler. Unlikely you are the offspring of a Dazzler, because you’re not old enough to even understand words yet. Or maybe you’re just reading this because you’re into this season’s particular brand of Dazzler match reports and have managed to guess from your prior knowledge of the Dazzlers that Bs is what mainly happened.
Mostly Cs: 2008 Dazzler Oh yeah, I’ve tricked you by throwing in some answers applicable to the last time we played the Mob at their home ground. Or indeed answers generally applicable to the 2008 season. Dark days. Dark days indeed. Hoo-hahless, and for the most part winless. Although looking back at the results we came very close to winning a few times. We were just on the end of one-run losses instead of inflicting them. But were the 2008 Dazzlers mostly Cs? I couldn’t possibly say.
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